Funnies from The Good Life: October 2014

These engineering and science tech-centric jokes, song parodies, anecdotes and assorted humor have been collected from friends and websites across the Internet. I check back occasionally for new fodder, but it seems all the old content is reappearing all over (like this is). The humor is light-hearted and clean and sometimes slightly assaultive to the easily-offended, so you are forewarned. It is all workplace-safe.

Humor #1, #2, #3

The Good Life is a free publication printed in northern Michigan. Along with advertisements and stories from local interests, every edition is chock full of humorous quips and jokes. These (mostly) tech-related items are from the October 2014 edition.

I hate it when I'm on twitter & there isn't a car behind me to honk when the light is green.
There is a huge spider in my kitchen so I will be tweeting from on top of this table for whatever the life span of this species is.
My buddy's phone autocorrected 'wife' to 'wide' and now he's living in my garage.
So eBay takes 10% of your profits and Craigslist is 100% free (but with the chance of being murdered) ... Such a dilemma.
iPhone 6: For people who don't mind holding an iPad up to their ear. (iPhone 6 is very large)

Top personnel executives of 100 major American corporations were surveyed and asked for stories of unusual behavior by job applicants. The lowlights:

...stretched out on the floor to fill out the job application.
She wore a Walkman and said she could listen to me and the music at the same time.
A balding candidate abruptly excused himself. Returned to office a few minutes later, wearing a hairpiece.
...asked to see interviewer's resume to see if the personnel executive was qualified to judge the candidate.
Interrupted to phone his therapist for advice on answering specific interview questions.
When I asked him about his hobbies, he stood up and started tap dancing around my office.
...pulled out a Polaroid camera and snapped a flash picture of me. Said he collected photos of everyone who interviewed him.
A telephone call came in for the job applicant. It was from his wife. His side of the conversation went like this: "Which company? When do I start? What's the salary?" I said, "I assume you're not interested in conducting the interview any further." He promptly responded, "I am as long as you'll pay me more." I didn't hire him, but later found out there was no other job offer. It was a scam to get a higher offer.”

This one is technical, but I laughed my hiney off when reading it because of the unexpected ending.

A funeral service is being held for a woman who has just passed away. At the end of the service the pallbearers are carrying the casket out when they accidentally bump into a wall, jarring the casket. They hear a faint moan. They open the casket and find that the woman is actually alive! She lives for ten more years, and then finally dies. A ceremony is again held at the same place, and at the end of the ceremony the pallbearers are again carrying out the casket. As they are walking, the husband cries out, “"Watch the wall!"

During a practical exercise at a military police base, the instructor was giving the class instruction in unarmed self- defense. After he presented a number of different situations in which they might find themselves, he asked a student, "What steps would you take if someone were coming at you with a large, sharp knife?" The student replied, "BIG ones."

Some of my friends from the UK started a company built around an innovative idea for an online business. A debate broke out about what to name the venture. "We have to call it Imagination," one passionate participant cried out. Everyone thought the idea over for a minute, and then a voice of reason replied, "Are you sure you want your business card to read 'Imagination, Limited'?"

My job is in the aerospace industry, and it's always been a challenge to explain what kind of work I do. At one gathering, I tried several unsuccessful attempted explanations before deciding to be as generic as possible. When the subject came up while I was talking with a group of guys, I replied simply, "Defense contractor." The men nodded, and as the conversation went on, I silently declared victory to myself. Then, one of them turned to me and asked, "So, what do you put up mainly? Chain-link?"

Late one night a mugger wearing a ski mask jumped into the path of a well-dressed man and stuck a gun in his ribs. "Give me your money," he demanded. Indignant, the affluent man responded, "You can't do this, I'm a United States Congressman!" "In that case," replied the mugger, "give me MY money."

Posted November 10, 2014